As a Sex Therapist people come see me when they have questions about relationships, their own bodies and sex in general. We all talk about sex! We talk to our friends, watch it on TV, have a browse on the web. Yet, we rarely talk about sex, right? While during office hours I regularly talk about sex, even I notice that privately it doesn't happen so naturally as I would hope. Sex still seems a strange and sometimes taboo 'thing' for most people. Just finding the right words can be hard. I've written down some interesting experiences that have come up during my years as a Sex Therapist. Things people say, questions they ask and tips that work like magic.
What is sex?...
What is sex? What is good sex? How do we talk about sex? What words do you use? Every session I listen and notice the words people use when talking about sex (or anything really). Because we use the language that feels most comfortable to us, I always adjust my choice of words to what you bring to the table. The more we're on the same page, the easier it is to understand each other. When getting on the same page is important, I often ask, 'what do you mean when you say...'. Even though English is not my native language, I'm fairly confident I understand the words people use. Yet, I ask this question to know what the words mean to them, what feeling it's connected to. In this first session we also cover a basic definition about sex. They share theirs and I share mine. In my practice, this is de definition I use (rest assured it is ever evolving): 'Good sex is sex where everyone or ANYONE involved is able to and consents to whatever everyone involved wants'. I realise this isn't the most narrow definition and let's be honest, sex shouldn't be. Basically it means, as long as all parties involved are happy and consenting... the game is on.
This will sound weird...
A phrase that often pops up during sessions is 'This will probably sound weird...'. I am fairly certain that almost every person I see for Sex Therapy at least says this once during our sessions. The interesting part is, that it usually is not weird at all. I like to share that 'what we think is strange and uncommon mostly is not and what we usually think are facts are actually not'. Sex is about communicating with one another, so get talking and explore what is real and what is not. Following this question I often get asked 'Have you ever heard about this before?' or 'Am I alone in this?' To this day, I can honestly say I've never had to say 'Yes, it is just you'. We don't always experience things the same way, ask the questions the same way or are in the exact same position, but overall we're more alike than you might have guessed.
Simple trick to step up your sex-game
This is one of the easiest things to do and will definitely get you in sync with your partner. This is one piece of advice I give to literally everyone who comes to see me. Often people over complicate what they're doing or what should be going on. Keep it simple and with this one trick you will start getting to know your partner better. All you have to do is 'Match your breathing to your partner's pace'. Try this solo-breathing exercise for a second and you'll get what I mean: Take ten deep slow breaths. When you do so, allow your muscles to completely relax. Relaxing yourself deeper with every breath. How does that feel? Now, turn it up a notch and take a couple of really short, superficial breaths (like you would do if your catching your breath while exercising). How do you feel now? Changing your breathing pattern to match your partner's will help you understand how they are feeling. The better you understand how they feel, the more in sync you'll be and the better we'll understand what we need.
Talk to you soon,
Sander